5 Seconds Of Summer
“She’s Kinda Hot”
#22
The first verse is young, loud, and snotty enough to get by, but instead of pursuing and building the joke they give up on it and try to turn the song into a generational anthem, a modernized version of Eddie Cochran’s “Summertime Blues”. It’s unfair competition, but it’s worth remembering that Cochran’s song became more pointed and funnier as it went along, whereas the last two thirds of “She’s Kinda Hot” contain not a single interesting line or riff. Even the brief stab at arena rock, which makes sense even if it’s intended as a joke, doesn’t come across. The sarcastic cut-off, a moment they probably think is hilarious, explains why the song itself gets weaker as it goes on and is also a tip as to why they’ll never be worth your time: they always take the easy way out.
Calvin Harris & Disciples
“How Deep Is Your Love”
#60
These days an established DJ can’t miss with house music, the more unoriginal (or, in this case, the more it sounds like Michael Jackson) the better. This isn’t terrible, unless you count the awful male vocal (Harris?) in the middle, but it doesn’t contain a single new or interesting idea. In the EDM world, “How Deep Is Your Love” is the counterpart of a soft, change-of-pace ballad on a rock or country album, and it’s worth about as much as that is in any genre.
Future
“Where Ya At” (featuring Drake), #68
“Blow A Bag”, #95
The beat on “Where Ya At” is amazing—it sounds like trap produced by Phillip Glass; Future takes its repetitiveness to heart, toys with it gently, and comes up with his best performance in a couple of years. Drake, however, pulls his usual “I’m just gonna step away from the beat for a couple of bars so no matter what’s going on you’re all going to be paying attention to me” bullshit and ruins the track. If we shout loud enough maybe we can get a Drake-less remix. “Blow A Bag”, meanwhile, is what it says it is, though it’s still better than anything on Future’s last album. Which was fugazi, whether he admits it or not.
Luke Bryan
“Strip It Down”
#81
Even on his party songs there’s something stiff and stentorian about Bryan’s voice, and on a love ballad like this you’d think that would be disastrous, yet somehow his vocals add an emotional tension that would be beyond a more relaxed singer. Even as he resolutely makes his declaration and states his demands, you get the feeling that though he may have some idea as to how to solve his relationship problems—sex always seemed to work before—he has no idea what caused them, a fact which will most likely doom his latest romantic gambit to failure. If she says no, he’ll have no idea what to do. I doubt this effect is intentional—Bryan doesn’t strike me as all that bright, and a concept like this is probably beyond him. But I’ll take accidental depth over no depth at all.
R. City featuring Adam Levine
“Locked Away”
#85
This was obviously produced in the hope that OMI’s “Cheerleader” isn’t a fluke, but a sign that dancehall is making a comeback (“And if it isn’t, let’s cash in quick”). Adam Levine, who’s a machine at the best of times, has never sounded more mechanical, and the rest is mediocre. Still, it’s just enough like “Cheerleader” that they may get away with it. Still, for all it’s flaws there are worse things people could be suckered by, and I for one certainly wouldn’t mind a dancehall comeback.
Kenny Chesney
“Save It For A Rainy Day”
#99
His plunges into deeper emotional material, as hit and miss as they were, have left a real mark on Chesney; even his return to Jimmy Buffett territory is filled with despair. So, for that matter, was Buffett, but he was never obvious or un-ironic about it—he always knew the joke was on him. Chesney takes himself so seriously he doesn’t even know there is a joke.
Ciara
“Dance Like We’re Making Love”
#100
I appreciate Ciara’s sophisticated take on R&B—even when she’s feeling lustful she never gets raunchy or overheated—and this is her best record in a while. But even with its low key chorus, “Dance Like We’re Making Love” never builds any tension, and makes lust, even on the dancefloor, sound a little boring. There isn’t anything wrong with her approach, but she’s so intent on being right that the record never comes alive. Sometimes you need to do the wrong thing to get to the right place.