Justin Bieber
“What Do You Mean?”
#1
He’s matured, sure, and the cloying gestures that used to fill his music have faded, but Bieber’s voice still lacks any emotional depth—it’s the musical equivalent of a sad-eyed puppy—and his overall message remains “how can you resist me when I’m so cute?” I give him credit for creating a record that hints at the importance of consent, and he does sound like a decent guy overall, but he’s a decent guy who puts synthesizer pan pipes on his records. There are some things you can’t forgive.
The Weeknd
“Prisoner” (featuring Lana Del Rey), #47
“Tell Your Friends”, #54
“Acquainted”, #60
“Real Life”, #62
“Shameless”, #79
“Losers” (featuring Labrinth), #85
“Dark Times” (featuring Ed Sheeran), #93
“In The Night”, #100
The operative phrase, repeated in one way or another on almost every track, is “Don’t fall in love with me.” It’s generally paired with a request, or demand, to fuck, which he swears he does better than anybody else. In thematic terms, along with occasional plays for sympathy, that’s pretty much it. He’s the classic bad boy anti-hero, trying to seduce you in the most supercillious of ways, with self-serving candor a specialty (I don’t believe in love; yes, I’m still using; baby, baby, don’t get hooked on me, etc.). What variety there is comes in the music, which, when it isn’t the usual downtempo, chemically-induced moodiness, jumps between Michael Jackson-like pop to Funkadellically-warped 70s soul to almost straight blues (white blues, that is, with Ed Sheeran on board to help out). Some of this is quite good, if derivative, and for the most part he saves the weird stuff for extended codas that can be easily excised for radio play or skipped over if you lack patience. Whatever value you get out of his songs, though, depends on how willing you are to be seduced or how much you identify with his chemical preferences. Millions are and do, apparently.
Imagine Dragons
“Roots”
#77
Now that they’re no longer playing sensitive types with radioactive monsters deep inside them, these guys have become so mediocre it’s not even worth the trouble of hating them. Not to mention listening.
5 Seconds Of Summer
“Jet Black Heart”
#95
The more seriously they take themselves, the higher the cliche density and the more mixed the metaphors. A jet black heart (is that where he gets the ink for his poison pen?) with a hurricane underneath it (swirling around his diseased pancreas, I suppose) is an image only someone truly obsessed with himself and his “feelings” could conjure. Just your average post-adolescents, in other words, making very average music.
Halsey
“New Americana”
#97
This is what all that promotional fuss was about, an Americanized version of Lorde’s “Royals”, only louder and more obvious? When she talks about being raised on Biggie and Nirvana you can’t help but wonder what she could possibly mean, since her music bears no relation to either. Are those references supposed to be ironic? Is this a generational anthem or a putdown? And what is her position on legal marijuana, anyway?